It’s easy to hate a winner. Especially in professional football. Especially when you’re talking about the New England Patriots, Tom Brady, and Bill Belichick.
As much as football fans may hate this legendary dynasty, there is no denying that the team is being run by a coach who has been touched by the gods.
Or maybe by something else?
Bill Belichick, Sam Darnold, & the Dark Arts
Twitter is aflutter with the latest Bill Belichick conspiracy theory. New York Jets quarterback Sam Darnold has apparently contracted mononucleosis, which will keep him sidelined for weeks.
As the tweet below demonstrates, the underground kingdom of the Flat-Earth Society believes that Bill Belichick sent wide receiver Demaryius Thomas over to the Jets in a trade knowing he had mononucleosis, and knowing it would be passed on to Sam Darnold.
That’s just crazy talk, right?
Were this the only incident involving Bill Belichick and the dark arts, we might be able to dismiss the whole thing.
But this isn’t the first time that he’s called upon outside forces to aid him and his team.
The Fog. The Mist. And Monsters.
Does anyone recall the game against the Atlanta Falcons on October 23 of 2017?
Just before halftime, a blanket of fog floated into Gillette Stadium and just kept building as the game went by.
By the end of the match, the Patriots had won by a score of 23 to 7, and the fog was so thick that I was convinced monsters would appear out of it, just like what happened in Stephen King’s horror story “The Mist.”
No monsters did appear out of the fog, unless you count Rob Gronkowski.
New England Patriots Super Bowl Blood Rituals
There’s also the matter of the Patriots stunning and impossible come-from-behind win over the Falcons in the Super Bowl two years ago.
You’ll recall the Falcons had a 21-3 lead at halftime, and a 28-3 lead at one point.
There was simply no way that the Patriots could ever come back from that kind of deficit.
And yet they did.
Conspiracy theorists believe that Bill Belichick didn’t make the customary “adjustments” during halftime while Katy Perry, Beyoncé, Bruno Mars, and Madonna serenaded the massive crowd in the stadium.
A Most Dark and Powerful Force
Many Patriot conspiracy theorists are convinced that Bill Belichick held some kind of a blood ritual that included summoning the power of the obscure blood god, Anoch.
Joined by emissaries from a shadowy cult known The OOA Institute, or “Oracular Order of Anoch,” the ritual required a human sacrifice who would have all their senses removed.
The ritual would not only infuse the Patriot players with otherworldly powers, but slap a devastating curse onto the entire Falcons team, making them run around like chickens without heads (which is what the normal sacrifice might actually be, but not in this case).
One conspiracy theorist swore that he saw women dressed in white haul an entire basket of voodoo dolls into the New England locker room at halftime, each doll constructed to look like individual players of the Atlanta Falcons.
They, along with a set of black-cloaked figures, engaged in a mysterious ritual that was obviously successful.
Curiously, this conspiracy theorist was never seen again.
Then there is the matter of the never-aging Tom Brady. While some believe he simply sleeps in a hyperbaric or sub-zero chamber, the more likely explanation from conspiracy theorists is that he exchanged his immortal soul in order to never grow old.
Tom Brady is thought to belong to a cult that worships the number 133, and believes if he wins 133 super Bowls that he will become the ruler of the known universe.
The Patriots even have their own section on Wikipedia’s “List of Conspiracy Theories” page.
All of this is nonsense, of course.
We’re just having a little fun with the most astonishing football dynasty in history. Bill Belichick is more than a great coach. He is truly operating on another plane when it comes to understanding football and executing specific game plans.
Unfortunately for Sam Darnold and the Jets, it just happens that the plane he operates on is the ninth level of Hell.
Disclaimer: The views expressed in the article are solely those of the author and do not represent those of, nor should they be attributed to, CCN.
Last modified (UTC): September 13, 2019 2:22 PM